Personal Coaching Client reveals "The Most Important Things I learned Thus Far..."

As an Executive Coach, I have become both a teacher and hopefully, a successful practitioner of the art and science of Feedback. However, it's rare for most coaches to receive unsolicited feedback in written form from a client.

Sara (not her real name) wrote to me this morning about "The Most Important Things I Learned Thus Far...," describing the insights she developed over the first year of our coaching relationship. I want to thank her for this thoughtful and unusual gift.

In this series, I will explore each item on her list in depth, to comment and expand on her thinking. The embellishments will be mine alone. The goal is to give others an unusual look into the world of personal coaching and what can be gained.

Below is the list she provided: (To protect her confidentiality, I have changed identifying information.)

The Most Important Things I Learned Thus Far From Judy

1. Be interested rather than trying to be interesting.

2. “Small Talk” is really “Big Talk” that is important to the needs of relationships.

3. When we get a negative response from someone it usually isn’t “about us.”

4. Stress makes people stupid.

5. Be gracious at work at all times.

6. Making a “stupid mistake” doesn’t mean that I’m a “stupid person.”

7. I may be intimidating to some people by my tone of voice and formality. I need to make a point of being less formal.

8. “Dress-down day at work doesn’t mean dressing like I’m going to be working in the garden.

9. I can soften my appearance by mixing and matching outfits rather than wearing suits everyday.

10. (I could also wear makeup every day but don’t want to bother with it!)

11. Meditation is a good way to relax and rejuvenate. (Unfortunately I stopped when I got the puppy.)

12. Using a labeler and keeping files in order is extremely helpful.

13. It would be good to compliment people when they do a good job, just as many people are doing to me here.

14. The goal of calling a [a prospect] is simply to find out if there is a match.

15. If someone I call ... is unpleasant, it isn’t about me because they don’t know me.

16. View Vice Presidents or wealthy people ... as being like our Vice President or my millionaire friend...
    

17. I should just tell myself before a call to [a new prospect] that even though I may feel very intimidated, once I get into the call I usually relax and do very well.

Most Important Ones Are #1 and #2.

Footnote from Judy: I am pleased to report that Sara has "graduated" from coaching and decided to take a break--"because I learned what I set out to do." However, I am on call to her for emergencies and she indicated that she may want a "refresher" sometime down the road.

The next article will start with far from original but important idea of "be interested rather than trying to be interesting."

Until next time,

Judy
Judy Nelson, JD, MSW
Certified Professional Coach
http://coachjudynelson.com/

To order your advanced copy of my new book, "Leading the Way to Success," with co-authors Jack Canfield, James Kouzes and Warren Bennis: orders@coachjudynelson.com.

Check out this brief video about Executive Coaching or the others on my website.

Part 2: How Nonprofit Executives Use an Executive Coach, cont'd

In the first segment of the discussion on "How Nonprofit Executives Use an Executive Coach,"
I talked about my own experience of having a coach for most of the 30 years I was a nonprofit CEO.

I began the list of the most important benefits I received from coaching with #1: Sounding Board or "Hired Ear." The second and equally critical benefit I received was Personal and Professional Accountability. There's something magic about the act of making a commitment to another person, particularly when they are an intellectual match AND your are paying them! Unless you are very unique, you have experienced disappointment in yourself when you didn't keep a commitment you made to you. New Year's resolutions are the most obvious.

However, I believe that this process of what is essentially good intentions unfulfilled is like a progressive disease. After awhile, there is a self-fulfilling prophecy: when you intend to do something and know ahead of time that it probably won't happen, guess what? It doesn't happen!

When you make that commitment to your coach, including a specific date and reporting process, something gets triggered that makes you follow through. Whether it's guilt if you don't or embarrassment or whatever, your inclination is to keep the commitment. And when you make commitments week after month after year, it not only becomes a habit but you actually increase your productivity dramatically.

With the candid feedback of your coach, you also perform in a more self-aware and intentional manner. In other words, you reduce the unintended effects of language--both verbal and body--that can reduce or eliminate any hope of achieving your goals.

Coaching with a trained and experienced professional (see my bio: http://www.coachingjudynelson.com/,) is the best strategy I know to help a manager and aspiring leader to mature emotionally and professionally in a safe but challenging environment.

Of course there are other tools that can enhance this process. Next time I'll talk about a third coaching strategy that I found extremely helpful: the anonymous and confidential "360" or multi-rater assessment by colleagues, managers and direct reports. When interpreted by a trained coach and with mutually established goals, the impact can be astounding.

Much of what I am addressing is related to the concepts of "Emotionally-Intelligent Management." That is the title of my chapter in a new book entitled, "Leading the Way to Success." My co-authors include management guru, Warren Bennis and Jack Canfield of "Chicken Soup for the Soul" fame! To reserve your copy: Orders@CoachJudyNelson.com.

Best,

Judy

Judy Nelson, JD, MSW
Certified Professional Coach
http://www.coachjudynelson.com/
www.blogtalkradio.com/coachjudynelson

How Do Nonprofit Executives Use an Executive Coach?

After 30 years experience as a CEO and having my own coach most of those years, I've learned a lot about the art of coaching a nonprofit CEO. To specifically answer the question of how nonprofit executives use an executive coach, it makes sense to start this discussion with my own experience.

Very quickly after I became a CEO/Executive Director for the first time, I knew that I was in over my head and that I needed help. I reached out to several colleagues who provided resources, consultation and referrals that were extremely helpful. (For my bio, visit http://www.coachjudynelson.com/.)

In my second stint as CEO, it became rapidly apparent that I needed more than just a variety of colleagues to assist me. I was in a new state, a new county, a city, a new neighborhood--and a new job that required an intimate understanding of state and county regulations and systems. It was also so big that a GPS was absolutely vital--only GPS was not invented back then! Very quickly I knew that if I didn't have some personal support, I wasn't going to make it.

To my great good fortune, I was referred to an experienced human resources expert who was freelancing. From the moment we said "hello," on the phone, I knew I had found someone I could talk to. After our first face-to-face meeting, I knew that I could trust her completely--and, that she was not only an intense listener but someone who could help me translate an abundance of creative thoughts into strategic action.

Since that time, I have never been without a coach, including now as an Executive Coach and Management Relationship Trainer. (More information about my services at http://www.coachjudynelson/.)

The relationship with my first coach (although she never called herself that) lasts to this day although the formal connection ended when she changed her career focus over 15 years ago. Since then I have engaged four other coaches with different strengths and experience--and learned valuable new skills and insights from each.

There are several coaching techniques that I personally found extremely helpful. Today I will discuss the first technique, one that I found invaluable.

1) Sounding Board (or a "hired ear")
The art of what I call "extreme listening" is a talent and expertise rarely found in either the business or nonprofit worlds. The coach skilled in extreme listening actually does what all the books say about listening and much more: paying full and undivided attention; listening to understand, never to judge; integrating body language, emotions, tone and pitch of voice; asking strategic questions at the right time; incorporating context and timing issues; interrupting only to clarify--and most of all, providing truthful, objective feedback--the good, the bad and the ugly--but with a caring and respectful demeanor.

A CEO of any organization gets occasional (or worse, constant!) uncaring, negative feedback from employees--if she/he gets any feedback at all, other than the covert signals sent out by those who are disgruntled. What a CEO rarely, if ever, gets is caring but unvarnished truth about his/her behaviors, attitude, style or performance.

In those times when I have not had a coach available to listen extremely, I'm confident that my work suffered because of the lack of a bright, knowledgeable and attuned kindred spirit to not only listen but to reflect with me and challenge non strategic thinking.

Next time, I will discuss the second aspect of coaching that was so vital to me: Personal Accountability.

I welcome your response and ideas on this subject either here or to Judy@CoachJudyNelson.com.

Best,

Judy

http://www.coachjudynelson.com/
Judy@coachjudynelson.com
Tollfree: 877.yesJudy (877-937.5839)

"Stop Apologizing and Start Sweating!"

It was my turn to serve again. I threw the ball up in the air, swung and missed. Again.

"I'm so sorry," I said. Again.

My opponent rolled her eyes, walked towards the net and waved me over. "Stop apologizing and start sweating!" she said in a shriller than usual voice.

"You never apologize in tennis. But you do run your butt off, and you have to sweat!" She handed me the ball and stomped back to her place on the court.

At first I was angry. What right did she have to talk to me like that? Then, I was embarrassed. And then...well, I guess I was energized. I ran back to the service line, threw the ball high up in the air and made a not-too-bad legal serve. She hit it back--out of bounds.

That was many years ago but I've never forgotten the lesson. If you're going to be treated as competent, you have to act like you are competent. The lesson applies to everything in life, but especially to leaders.

In my executive coaching practice (http://www.coachjudynelson.com/) I encounter this issue with a large number of my clients. For some, the issue is relatively minor. For others, they "wear their feelings [of inadequacy] on their sleeve."

What is the impact of coworkers and direct report of a manager who is constantly apologizing? What about the manager who actually tells people that she/he feels insecure? Think about a speaker who came to the podium and opened with, "I'm so nervous I can't think straight," or "I apologize for not being as prepared as I would have liked..." etc? The result? Disaster! No one will perceive that person as an expert.

Many of the trainings I do (www.coachjudynelson.com/seminars) involve the way that executive team members relate to each other. Often, the most de-energizing person is the one with low self esteem who virtually (or actually!) announces it. She may be constantly looking for reassurance. Co-workers then feel compelled to reassure, sometimes ad nauseum. Relating to such an individual becomes strained and is something to be avoided. Such a situation doesn't do much for building a team or for enhancing team collaboration and effectiveness.

"Fake it until you make it," is a familiar quote when discussing this kind of situation. But what does it take for the insecure individual to a. believe that? and b. summon up the courage to "act as if...?

One of the ways individuals can make this quantum leap, i.e., to act as if they feel confident, is to utilize the services of an executive coach. In a totally confidential and supportive environment, a coach can be the perfect partner to help a less-than-totally secure manager take the necessary steps to change other's perceptions about him.

In my 30 years as a CEO of different organizations in various parts of the county, I learned a lot about my building my own confidence and how to assist others to develop theirs.

If you're interested in learning more about executive coaching or management-relationship training from a seasoned pro, visit my website, http://www.coachjudynelson.com/.

Judy Nelson, JD, MSW
Certified Professional Coach
http://www.coachjudynelson.com/
Judy@CoachJudyNelson.com
877-yesJudy (877-937-5839)